Building Your Home

"I don't know that it is possible for any organization to  succeed in the Church...without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils."  - Stephen L. Ruchards

I think there is great strength in holding family council. Although currently in my home it is only my husband and I, I find great value in holding family council and I know this value will only increase as we add children into the mix. President Ballard stated in a talk that, "The Lord’s church is organized with councils at every level."  I think one of the most important levels is the counseling we do in our homes. There is great power and unity that comes from holding a family council.

I have already seen in my marriage and when I was growing up that having a family council allows all family members to be on the same page. It creates a deeper bond between individuals. It creates a safe place for all topics to be discussed. A professor at BYU talks about how power should be distributed in a home. Holding family councils solidifies the co-power that parents hold and introduces unity and equality in parental leadership.

Elder Ballard also said that, "Ideally, all members of any Church or any family council should share their concerns and should suggest solutions based on gospel principles." I like that this sentence suggests the use of the gospel in the home. It is a great reminder that we should build our homes around Jesus Christ and let the gospel help guide our decisions. I have found peace in my family councils with my husband and I am excited to continue to counsel as our family grows. Taking the time to dissect different aspects in our homes allows a family to be one. Elder Eyring speaking of the Lord stated. "He knows that only in eternal life can those sacred, joyful associations of families endure." We must strengthen our families here on earth and holding family councils is a great way to start. I have a testimony of eternal families and I know what the influence of the world can do to destroy them. I will use my knowledge of the Gospel to strengthen my family and hold them close while teaching the truths and always keeping the Spirit in my home.

“Each family organization should include a family council comprised of all members of the family unit. Here the basic responsibilities of the family organization can be taught to the children. They can learn how to make decisions and act upon those decisions.” - Elder L. Tom Perry

Unbreakable Bond

I remember as a child thinking about how perfect marriages are. Two people that love each other unconditionally are bound together and everyone involved lives happily ever after. When I was younger I did not even consider the ideas that not all marriages are perfect because it doesn't work like that. Couples go through different challenges that I couldn't even imagine were possible at such a young age. As I got older, I started to understand that not all marriages have an unbreakable bond. One of the heartbreaking forces that I've seen pull apart families is the act of infidelity. These acts can be so hard to handle and as I saw the damage done in others families I promised myself that I would have complete fidelity in my marital relationship.

Fidelity is defined as, "faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support." Although this definition may be simple and straight froward, there can be so much included when describing what it means to be faithful in a marriage. Elder Kenneth W. Matheson once said, "Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity." He also gave an example of a couple where one of the partner's got a little friendly with a coworker of the opposite sex. Although to the individual it seemed harmless, the other spouse was deeply hurt by this relationship. When we are investing more time in someone else, rather that our spouse, we are not being completely true to our spouse. 

The author of Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage discusses the progressive stages of unfaithfulness to a spouse. These include: 

• Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting.  Justification-“no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”
• Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)
• Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
• Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
• Faultfinding with spouse
• Fantasies about other person
• Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
• Sexual relations

All of these stages can be avoided as we become aware of them if they ever begin. Although in the beginning, they may seem silly or small, all of them lead to a change of emotional feelings, which then lead to bigger problems. The safest thing to do is to use this list of examples of what not to do and instead find a way to draw closer to our spouses every chance we get.  

In this fallen world, it is hard to make our marriages perfect, but we can do our best to be faithful to our spouse, especially because that is what we vow to do when we enter into marriage. We can each make the choice to be pure and act with fidelity. Not all marriages are going to work, but I know that as for me and my marriage I want to create an unbreakable bond that everyone can achieve if they have the desire and work for it. I believe that unbreakable bonds do exist and I will do all that it takes to make my marriage fit that mold.

The High Status of Charity

The only pure love on the earth is the love that Christ gives. The definition of charity is that pure love of Christ. In 1 Corinthians chapter 13 we learn all about charity and how it excels and exceeds all things. Verses four through eight read:

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

Charity is a gift given to us from Christ and it is hard to understand, but for me, the best way to think about it is as pure love. Not letting anything get in the way of that love. Because charity never fails we can understand that Christ will never fail us. As long as we try our best to be faithful, hopeful, and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, Christ will help us when we seek after Him.

I really like the ideas spoken about charity in the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. He talks about how we can see charity in three different ways, the first is love from Christ, then love for Christ, and finally love like Christ. We must first understand that Christ has pure love for each one of us. He is the model for charity and when we can find and recognize when He actively shows this pure love we then in return can show Him the same love. When were practice and progress in loving Him as He loves us we can love other as Christ does. On this earth we will never quite reach the full pureness of love that charity offers, and the Lord in no ways expect us to, but we should do our best to try. 

In our marriages we must choose to show that charity towards our spouse. Goddard explains that charity is the mind of Christ and we must use it as a lens to see our spouses. As we choose to see one another in a certain way, just as Christ would, we are practicing charity in our marriages. As we see each other in that purest sense, we can allow our marriage to become what God wants it to be. This charity is not changing one another, but instead accepting one another in completeness just as Christ accepts each one of us. 

In Moroni 7:47 it says, "But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

Choose Your Battles Wisely

With marriage comes a lot of sacrifice as well as a lot of compromise, which then creates the need for individuals to understand the perspective of their spouse to ensure minimal conflicts. Not every problem that arises is a big deal and therefore we must choose which battles should be fought. There will always be conflicts, some good and some bad; conflict in inevitable in a marriage, but such is life. How do we choose which issues are worth fighting over?

President Monson once said, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important that a person to be loved." I think this is a perfect motto to live by in a marriage. If we let grudges and problems put wedges between us and our spouses we are not having the type of marriage God intended. He intended us to have quite the opposite, a marriage that continuously blooms and lasts throughout all eternity.

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work John Gottman explains the two types of martial conflict. First, there are perpetual conflicts that refer to the majority of martial conflicts that don't need to be resolved in order for a marriage to work. They are usually things that couples can look past, even if they are still there. These conflicts may be something that keeps getting brought up but won't make or break the relationship so spouses learn to live with it. If couples find themselves getting gridlocked over these problems rather coping well with them they should take a step back and re-evaluate t
he core of the problem. Second, there are solvable conflicts that refer to issues that arise usually because of a specific reason and have a number of ways that they can be resolved. Although they may initially cause pain the great part about them is that they can be solved when two partners are willing. Both of these types of marital conflicts will exist in any marriage but we choose how to handle them and which ones turn into full throttle battles.

I know that I am not perfect in my marriage. I often let my emotions take over during conflict, I can be stubborn in thinking that I am always right, and I can especially say hurtful things that I don't mean. As I learn more about my husband and understand how conflicts arise in our marriage I know that I can put these principles to great use. It is important that at the end of the day we haven't chosen a battle that has a bad ending and instead we follow the words of President Monson and choose to love our spouses.

The Beauty of Pride

Pride is such an ugly attribute to carry. There is no success in pride. That being said, it is scary how often we let pride slip right into our lives because it is easy to be prideful. Despite the fact that is it easy to act with pride, it can also be easily avoided with the help of outside sources; to be more specific,with the help of the Lord. 

As President Benson said, "The central feature of pride is enmity -- enmity towards God and enmity toward our fellowmen." Enmity can be described as actively opposing someone with hatred or hostility. 

How can we allow ourselves to show any hatred towards God or our loved ones? Hate is such a strong word, but I think that if we truly understood it's relationship with pride we would do our best to be less prideful. When we are proud we view ourselves as better than everyone else leaving no room for equality. Pride is a result of competing with others to prove you are better. It is essential that we do not let these ideas creep into our marriages.

As we learn from leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, men and women were created to be equal partners in a home and through the experiences of raising children. Although mothers and fathers have different roles and responsibility, if that pride-less equality does not exist, issues that are not necessary will occur. In the Family: a Proclamation to the World it says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" When one individual uses their abilities to get ahead of the other they are allowing pride to grab a hold of their heart, which can be really damaging in a marriage. In reality, there is no beauty that is attached to pride. I will make sure to steer my heart and mind away from pride so I can work as an equal partner with my spouse and continue to build my marriage along with the kingdom of God. 

Eternally Bound

To be bound in a marriage means an agreement with legal force. When we vow to unconditionally love an individual for all time and eternity that is a pretty big commitment that truly binds you to your spouse. This one event does not mean that a bond is complete, but instead it is the start of the never-ending promise that you will continue to work on that bond with your spouse. We must think of being bound as an action; there can always be improvements and it should be worked on daily. Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints, I have learned that creating an eternal bond takes three. That bond is founded upon the teachings of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and includes a husband, a wife, and the Lord. When a family has a strong bond, it allows happiness to be a common emotion in the home. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it says, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."As we as spouses learn to let our homes and marriages be built on these aspects we can hold onto that eternal bond with certainty.

In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard teaches us that, "When we put God first, everything else falls into it's proper place!" This is such a powerful statement and we should use it to create stronger bonds in our marriages. We know that God is all knowing and all loving; He intended for and wants our marriages to be strong. As we seek after these things and allow God to be present in our marriage, He will personally allow our eternal bond with our spouse to be strengthened. I really appreciate my spouse when I look at my marriage as a bond because to me that seems like a promise on never ending love and support.

John Gottman teaches many ways that bonds can be strengthened in his book called, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In one his chapters he discusses the action of turning towards your spouse and that is a key aspects in keeping that strong bond or strengthening it if it needs some work. Turning towards a spouse shows that you are there no matter what which is usually part of a vow made when couples get married. As we understand that every time we turn towards our husbands or wives we are solidifying and acting upon that bond. Let us not lose sight of that bond because it is eternal and the more we exercise it's use the more we will get out of marriages. 

Admiring Your Spouse

In most cases, when a marriage is strong, individuals would not hesitate to say that they admire their spouse. As we come to learn what admiration means, on a deeper level, I think that many would see that they are missing strong aspects of admiring their spouse. Admiration in a dictionary is defined as respect and warm approval, but in a relationship I think the idea changes or shifts a little bit. When I look at my spouse or even when I am not with him I think positively about him and the fact that I miss him and can't to return home, especially after a long day apart. I know I am still fresh to marriage and I expect on occasion my ideals will change, but as couples dwell on and recall positive memories from the past, they too can deepen their admiration for one another.

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the author, John Gottman talks about how admiration and fondness go hand in hand. He explains how fondness and admiration can be fragile or even lost as we lose awareness of their importance to the friendship in a marriage. As couples take the time to recognize positive things about one another and actually vocalize it, they are able to see how the other feels about them. Doing such small acts really helps keep that admiration alive. It is so important, even just for the well-being of an individual, to be told more of the positive aspects of that person, rather than negative aspects. Just as the negative aspects tear a person down, the positive aspects can build that person up and in a marriage, it works in the same way. 

There is absolutely no doubt that annoyances of your spouse will be visible in a marriage, but how we react and use that knowledge is key to making or breaking the marriage. President Kimball stated that we should, "Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become." This quote reminds me of the saying that almost every parent teaches their child, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." As human beings each of us are fragile to the damaging words that others too often speak; our spouse should be the one person, if no one else, that strives to build up their partners character. People don't choose to get married without fondness, admiration, and other aspects that make two people desire one another. Let us use love, admiration, and fondness without hesitation on a daily basis to strengthen our marriages and our friendships with our spouses.